A Letter to My Oldest

I have to start off by saying a happy belated birthday to my oldest daughter.  My oldest child actually.  Her birthday was last week, she turned 14.  Fourteen!  I have a 14 year old.  It baffles me still.  And it boggled me when she turned 10, and it stunned me at 5... It goes on.  I never thought about her growing up when she was born, I never thought she would be such a wonderful young women, and I never thought she would be my best friend. 

Don't get me wrong, I do have other "best friends",my mother,  my high school class mates, my random chance/instant connections, and of course, my husband.  But, really, when it comes right down to it, my daughter really gets me.  When I am having a bad day, she has always been able to tell me to smile, and get over it.  With a hug.  When I'm being a bitch, she tells me, and always has.  And, when I have over stepped my parental boundaries, she will let me know.  When we have an argument, we really have an argument.  We yell, and we've slapped each other, and we've done the silent treatment, and then we've cried, and hugged, and moved onto the next thing.  The funny thing is, is that it has always and forever will be that way. 

I believe in an after life and a previous life, and spirits....  I know that her and I have been together many times before.  Maybe not in our exact relationship, maybe as sisters, girlfriends, maybe she was even my mother, but we have been together so long, that we can think each others thoughts, and answer each others questions with out ever asking them. 

As I have mentioned before, I had her so very young.  I don't think we ever really had a traditional mother/daughter relationship.  As a baby I consulted her on everything, what clothes she would wear, what crayons she wanted, what stories she liked, what meals I made, what guys I dated.  I think with how busy life gets being a grown up, we as parents don't always stop to think of what our children prefer or think about.  With Winnie, she was my everything, and I wanted her to know how special she was, so she had input on everything.  I only had her.

I guess, getting back to the purpose of this post, is, with having her, there are so many things I never thought I would do.  I never thought I would get an education, I had to.  I never thought I would fall in love again, I have.  I never thought I would be a good mother, I am, and I have four children now to be a good mother for.  

Winnie may not realize it, but when I talk about mothers being strong, and how women need more support, and how families should work together, and how there are so many ways for mothers to bond with their newborns, and about birthing and breastfeeding and positive postpartums, I do it for her.  I want her to understand how all these things make life valuable.  How all these things can make the future a brighter place, is for her.

Really though, for now, all these things are small, compared to glancing at my daughter, from the corner of my eye, and seeing her help her siblings.  And even smaller, is the quiet times we now get together.  The serious conversations we have watching 1980's Degrassi, and the laughs we share while playing cards. It's all the small things that make it so very good.

Feb 2012
I love you my Angel!!