Success

Every so often I find a desire to write, but no time. 

I'm writing this post for moms who struggle with finding self worth, for moms like myself, who for life, was brought up on the thought that being a successful women was going to college, getting married, having a couple children, and working 9-5 until a reasonable age to retire.  Now, before I start, I am in no way saying that all of that, is not successful.  I'm saying that there are many ways to define success, and that every ones path is unique.

If someone had said to me 20 years ago that I'd be a semi stay at home mother with 4 children, a zoo load of pets, and no real education to speak of, I'd have laughed.  I remember my goals at age 10 quite clear; vet university, and to save the world.  I didn't think of being a mother, or even married.  I wanted to make a difference in the world at a time when the Golf War was on, the Berlin Wall was falling, and acid rain was a big deal.  I wanted equal rights for women, and I wanted to be dependant on no one.

Over the next few years, many things changed.  My family up and moved from my small home town and across the country for what most Newfoundlanders do, for work.  I got a job, fell "in love", all but dropped out of high school, and got pregnant.

My family moved again, my "love" dropped me like a bad habit, I had a baby and fell truly in love,  and I did my best to work and continue school.  I was 16.

I'm not writing all this to get my life story out, just to prove a point that life can change from the desired plan.

Move forward a couple years, and I'm a single mom living a not too shabby life.  I have a job, GED, apartment for my girl and I, and aspirations for a "good" life for us.  I go one evening with my friends and meet a guy.  What a guy.  This is where it all goes out the window.  All the things I thought I wanted.  Bringing with him all the blessed things I didn't know I needed. 

Fast forward 12 years and here I sit, looking out my dinning room window, dishes next to the sink, half naked kids eating breakfast, hubby napping on the couch after a 14 hour night shift, and dogs barking at the snow falling.  I've never been more blessed.  Ten years ago I could not see myself here even.  It's taken tears, trauma, heartache, struggle within myself to realize that this is me.  That I cannot define myself by who on the outside world I have touched, made happy or made a difference to.  I may never save an endangered species, or walk a peace protest in a foreign country, but in my little world, I'm am doing my best to nurture my four children, and be kind to those that walk in and out of our lives on a daily bases.

A lot has happened in this last decade, moves, births, deaths, and I hope for a lot more to happen over the next decade.  I may not always know what to do, or why things happen, but I know that every torturous curve ball thrown at me is a learning experience that will always bring with it great strength.

I wish I could have realized all of this sooner, to save me from some of the pain and confusion earlier.  I wish I could tell mothers that there is no need to beat yourself up for not doing the laundry daily, or not becoming CEO of that big name company.  I wish that every time a mother cries alone while her little one refuses a nap, would somehow sense that it is just a blip in time, and that nothing is permanent, and that today, one day, does not define who or what you are. 

I wish for the women, mothers, daughters to feel that when they need a helping hand they can ask and get it without judgement.  Most importantly, I wish silently for a time when we no longer need to define ourselves to be important.