Success

Every so often I find a desire to write, but no time. 

I'm writing this post for moms who struggle with finding self worth, for moms like myself, who for life, was brought up on the thought that being a successful women was going to college, getting married, having a couple children, and working 9-5 until a reasonable age to retire.  Now, before I start, I am in no way saying that all of that, is not successful.  I'm saying that there are many ways to define success, and that every ones path is unique.

If someone had said to me 20 years ago that I'd be a semi stay at home mother with 4 children, a zoo load of pets, and no real education to speak of, I'd have laughed.  I remember my goals at age 10 quite clear; vet university, and to save the world.  I didn't think of being a mother, or even married.  I wanted to make a difference in the world at a time when the Golf War was on, the Berlin Wall was falling, and acid rain was a big deal.  I wanted equal rights for women, and I wanted to be dependant on no one.

Over the next few years, many things changed.  My family up and moved from my small home town and across the country for what most Newfoundlanders do, for work.  I got a job, fell "in love", all but dropped out of high school, and got pregnant.

My family moved again, my "love" dropped me like a bad habit, I had a baby and fell truly in love,  and I did my best to work and continue school.  I was 16.

I'm not writing all this to get my life story out, just to prove a point that life can change from the desired plan.

Move forward a couple years, and I'm a single mom living a not too shabby life.  I have a job, GED, apartment for my girl and I, and aspirations for a "good" life for us.  I go one evening with my friends and meet a guy.  What a guy.  This is where it all goes out the window.  All the things I thought I wanted.  Bringing with him all the blessed things I didn't know I needed. 

Fast forward 12 years and here I sit, looking out my dinning room window, dishes next to the sink, half naked kids eating breakfast, hubby napping on the couch after a 14 hour night shift, and dogs barking at the snow falling.  I've never been more blessed.  Ten years ago I could not see myself here even.  It's taken tears, trauma, heartache, struggle within myself to realize that this is me.  That I cannot define myself by who on the outside world I have touched, made happy or made a difference to.  I may never save an endangered species, or walk a peace protest in a foreign country, but in my little world, I'm am doing my best to nurture my four children, and be kind to those that walk in and out of our lives on a daily bases.

A lot has happened in this last decade, moves, births, deaths, and I hope for a lot more to happen over the next decade.  I may not always know what to do, or why things happen, but I know that every torturous curve ball thrown at me is a learning experience that will always bring with it great strength.

I wish I could have realized all of this sooner, to save me from some of the pain and confusion earlier.  I wish I could tell mothers that there is no need to beat yourself up for not doing the laundry daily, or not becoming CEO of that big name company.  I wish that every time a mother cries alone while her little one refuses a nap, would somehow sense that it is just a blip in time, and that nothing is permanent, and that today, one day, does not define who or what you are. 

I wish for the women, mothers, daughters to feel that when they need a helping hand they can ask and get it without judgement.  Most importantly, I wish silently for a time when we no longer need to define ourselves to be important.

I Wander

I have been meaning to write a post for a while now.  A long while!  Every time I think of something to say I am either at work, elbow deep in a placenta, or dreaming. 
I have no idea where my life is taking me these days.  Some days I don't care.  Other days, I try not to care, as it seems whether I do or not, life also does not care.  I'm not in any way upset, or depressed about it.  It's just a hard fact.  Life sometimes does not give a shit about what you really want.
I ramble...

My soul wanders freely through the air,
If only for a fleeting second it grasps reality, I should be so content.
My mind is taken to all the places I've been, and seen, and discovered.
It hesitates, to get lost, to remember the triumphs over failures and hurt,
and grabs hold of my heart.
My heart... it has opened so wide, and loved so much, it has shrouded the secrets of a little girl for far too long.  I still beats.
Taking me back to my soul and I am intoxicated.

When You Think it's All For Not

I'm sitting on my bed, I can hear my children playing outside on the swings through my bedroom window.  I can see a pile of dirty laundry at the foot of my bed, and am certain the carpet underneath hasn't been vacuumed in ages.  I have secluded myself to the bedroom, to give me ten minutes to think, plan and unwind.  I know I cannot really run away, but the dishes, the dirty dogs, and the mountain of clean laundry in my living room has to wait.

The last 6 months of my family's life has been pretty chaotic.  I have been working as much as possible these last few months.  I don't know what for anymore.  The more I work, the more I have left to do, and the less I am a good mother.  I know everyone has a crap ton of stuff to do, to accomplish, to finish, but really why do we put ourselves through it all?  My one goal is to be here for my kids.  I'm sucking at it. 

On the bright side, it has allowed us to get back "on top" sorta speak.  Is anyone really ever on top?  I mean, we've had extra cash to buy to extra shit, which we didn't need, or realize we wanted until the extra cash showed up, and now we still have nothing really to show for it.  I would rather have the time back. 

I have been given a couple new oppurtunitys recently, and have gotten over the moon excited about them.  However, starting, and completing them have been a major stress.  So, are they really good?  I know in life you have to work for what you want, but, if it makes you a mad women, is it essential?

Anyways, on the bright side, my two middle children have been accepted into a home school program!!  I am so excited!  Next year I will have 3 of my wonders in a program that allows them to be a part of a schooling environment, and a "home school" environment!  I have been trying for this for years, and to see it so close, makes me smile, makes me see that some of this hard work is essential, and it helps to keep focus on why we do the extras we do.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, it's just unfortunate that we never know if we have entered the Montreal tunnel, or a quick overpass.

So Exhausted

Please be warned this is not a pick me up sorta post.  This is just me.  Just tired, and just hoping to wake up a bit before work. 

So, we've been under a bit of a financial crunch recently.  I don't want to get into details, sometimes when shit hits, it's the runny not so fun kind, and rehashing the stuff is just as bad as going through it the first time.  Anyways, I am normally a stay-at-home-momma, I have recently gotten a "part-time" sales job to help balance life a little.  I am lucky to be able to do this and help my family, but I am feeling so drained.  I still have my placenta work, and my part time midwife data entry work, and now, to top it off, I am actually working about 30+ hours a week.  My oldest, as you know is part homeschooled, so she is actually become resident babysitter so that I can accomidate the stupid hours.  My son, who is almost 10, has taken on the role of side kick sitter and occasional house keeper (along with hubby & oldest daughter), to help the burden.  My Shea (third child), is regressing.  She has always been a mommas gal, but I have noticed recently that she has ended up in bed with me more often in the past month then the last 3 years.  I know she misses me.  I miss her.  My littlest, Clover, is such a happy go lucky kid.  She was pretty pissed at me today though.  We haven't done our girls thing in so long she is starting to hate me.  Well, maybe not hate, but she was so hurt that we couldn't go for a bikeride this afternoon.  I hate that feeling.  When I know my kids need me, the reason I became a stay at home mommy, my heart breaks leaving the house everyday.

Actually, after writing this, I am feeling so lucky.  Still tired, still drained, and emotionally pulled, but lucky.  My kids have all come together really, to look after each other and me.  And, when, in a time that many people still face unemployment, my useless skills still can come in handy.

End pitty fest. 

Breakfast Television Segment is Now Online!!!

Oh My Goodness!!  So, as my husband was working this morning, my little brother drove me to my interview this morning.  Here is a quick run down of my day:

5:30am - Alarm
5:35am - Hair/Make up
6:00am - Drink too many cups of coffee
6:20am - Review Notes (none of which I was asked)
6:30am - Convince myself not to vomit (I was nervous)
6:40am - Drive to City TV
7:15am - We arrived and parked (actually, we drove around the parking lot 4 times trying to find the perfect spot for my brothers sweet Tacoma)
7:35am - Wait......
7:50am - Walk up to studio
8:00am - Arrive, check in
8:10am - Pee (Still nervous)
8:12am - Wait.....  We actually discussed breastfeeding, baby's, and all things birth!  Good times!!
8:30am - Meet Ryan (Interviewer)
8:34am - Wait......
8:44am - Live to air........

Here is the finished segment.  Please share the love!!

Placenta Pills

8:55am - Go home

I have had numerous responses to this mornings interview.  So much thanks going out to all who support this and share the info.  Once again, if you are looking for further information on my placenta services please see SuperMomma Placenta Services - Placenta Edmonton

Breakfast Television Segment

Tomorrow I have a quick segment on BT Edmonton!  I am pretty pumped.  I am pretty nervous as well.  I have never done anything like this, so I am as confused on what I am to wear to what info is really important!  There is so much I can say about what placentas have done over the past 1000 years, and what they currently do. 

I need to breath.  One breath at a time.  I am excited to say also that one of my recent clients will be on the show as well with her 6 week old.  It is going to be wonderful to have support there.

I am hoping that bringing it to television media will help our local mothers learn more on what placenta encapsulation is all about.  And, more so, to show the public that it is not a gross thing, to take some of the taboo away from it.  Education is key!

I will also be bringing along sample capsules and art.  I think promoting the beauty of the placenta will also open peoples eyes regarding how sacred this process is.

Anyways, I will hopefully be able to post a link to the segment tomorrow.  And I will catch you up on just how great it was (fingers crossed).

Here is a link to BT in case you're wondering.  The segment starts at 8:40am!!

A Letter to My Oldest

I have to start off by saying a happy belated birthday to my oldest daughter.  My oldest child actually.  Her birthday was last week, she turned 14.  Fourteen!  I have a 14 year old.  It baffles me still.  And it boggled me when she turned 10, and it stunned me at 5... It goes on.  I never thought about her growing up when she was born, I never thought she would be such a wonderful young women, and I never thought she would be my best friend. 

Don't get me wrong, I do have other "best friends",my mother,  my high school class mates, my random chance/instant connections, and of course, my husband.  But, really, when it comes right down to it, my daughter really gets me.  When I am having a bad day, she has always been able to tell me to smile, and get over it.  With a hug.  When I'm being a bitch, she tells me, and always has.  And, when I have over stepped my parental boundaries, she will let me know.  When we have an argument, we really have an argument.  We yell, and we've slapped each other, and we've done the silent treatment, and then we've cried, and hugged, and moved onto the next thing.  The funny thing is, is that it has always and forever will be that way. 

I believe in an after life and a previous life, and spirits....  I know that her and I have been together many times before.  Maybe not in our exact relationship, maybe as sisters, girlfriends, maybe she was even my mother, but we have been together so long, that we can think each others thoughts, and answer each others questions with out ever asking them. 

As I have mentioned before, I had her so very young.  I don't think we ever really had a traditional mother/daughter relationship.  As a baby I consulted her on everything, what clothes she would wear, what crayons she wanted, what stories she liked, what meals I made, what guys I dated.  I think with how busy life gets being a grown up, we as parents don't always stop to think of what our children prefer or think about.  With Winnie, she was my everything, and I wanted her to know how special she was, so she had input on everything.  I only had her.

I guess, getting back to the purpose of this post, is, with having her, there are so many things I never thought I would do.  I never thought I would get an education, I had to.  I never thought I would fall in love again, I have.  I never thought I would be a good mother, I am, and I have four children now to be a good mother for.  

Winnie may not realize it, but when I talk about mothers being strong, and how women need more support, and how families should work together, and how there are so many ways for mothers to bond with their newborns, and about birthing and breastfeeding and positive postpartums, I do it for her.  I want her to understand how all these things make life valuable.  How all these things can make the future a brighter place, is for her.

Really though, for now, all these things are small, compared to glancing at my daughter, from the corner of my eye, and seeing her help her siblings.  And even smaller, is the quiet times we now get together.  The serious conversations we have watching 1980's Degrassi, and the laughs we share while playing cards. It's all the small things that make it so very good.

Feb 2012
I love you my Angel!!